Words are hard

Hands, finger, keys, letters, words, sentences, paragraphs, papers. Connections. Everywhere.

Words are hard.

They are hard to think up, hard to write down, hard to find just the right one that you want to use. So as I sit here today, that’s all I can think, “words are hard”.

I’m still lost, I’m still me, I’m still hanging in there, I’m still trying to work this all out.

But words are hard, so give me some time.

This Thursday

So, turns out this whole “changing yourself” or “finding yourself” or whatever it may be, is not as easy as it seems. I guess I can cut myself some slack cause it’s only been like two days, but at the same time I don’t want to be the person that’s always making excuses from themselves (which I always have been). So that’s what I’m gonna work on this week: the excuses. The twisted logic I use to justify myself when I really shouldn’t be justified.

It’s all about baby steps right? So this will be my first baby step. No excuses. No reason for being rude, or saying something inappropriate or eating something I shouldn’t or procrastinating or skipping class. None of that. I’ll keep track even, that usually helps me keep myself in line. So here, 4/14/16. The first day of my “no excuses” life motto.

There’s a lot of things I think I need to change or improve upon, but I feel this is one that I can accomplish, as long as I stay focus and don’t make exceptions to the rule (lol at making excuses for not making excuses).

Wish me luck

First step

So, here we are. I’m not really sure how I got here. Or what made me want to write this blog. I guess deep down I’m hoping to find myself. I feel like I’m so many people in one, it just depends on the situation, and I’m kinda starting to feel like I don’t want to be that way anymore. Maybe this will help me find me. Maybe this will help me be more confident. Maybe this will be the first and last post I ever write. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

I want a different life. Maybe not so much “different”, but I want certain aspects of me to be how people see me. I want to be confident and smiley. I want to be a little less loud, and say a few less jokes (because sometimes they just aren’t funny and not in like the “oh awkward…” way but like the “what the heck why would you say that” way). I need to chill to put it in layman’s terms. I want to use bigger words and read more books. I want to be a friendly leader, who is reliable and never late. I want to see more of the world, and have more knowledge. I want all of these things. I am all of these things. But amidst me trying to be accepted by everyone, I lose that. Or those. Someone who English’s well help me out. I want to embrace the good in me. Because I know it’s there. I just get caught up in other things. In things that don’t matter. I strive for the temporary, maybe because I fear the permanent. I put off assignments because I’m afraid no matter what I do I’ll get a bad grade. I don’t apply for things because I am scared of failing and not getting what I strived for. I accept the crummy situations that I’m in because “oh, maybe this is all I deserve?”.

I do not accept defeat or failure well. But I set myself up for these things time and time again.

This is me typing. This is me putting it into words that I will try to become the type of person I will be proud of one day. The type of person I can look back on one day and say “yeah, she gave it her all,” or “she lived,” or “she was just good“. Maybe staying up until 12 am writing this doesn’t put me off to a good start but hey, baby steps.

This is me setting off on a journey.

This is me making goals I will strive for until the end.

This is me, telling myself to finally not be afraid of failing.

This is me reminding myself that I can’t have everything but that is more than okay, that is still perfect.

This is me changing my life.

This is me hoping that, in time, changing myself will help to change the world around me.